For many individuals, families, and the advisors and institutions that serve them the very word “conflict” is upsetting. Yet, conflict is an inevitable, and normal, part of life – and it doesn’t need to be damaging.
We can think of conflict as coming in three flavors: good, bad, and ugly. Let’s start with ugly and work our way back.
Ugly conflict is the type of conflict some people enjoy reading about in the press (real families) or watching (shows like Succession). Relationships are destroyed, reputations are tarnished, and business and investment opportunities are lost.
Fear of ugly conflict can stop families from dealing with conflict in a way that can foster good conflict and effectively address bad conflict.
Bad conflict is what people generally mean when they say “conflict”. Relationships are damaged, processes are slowed, and success is limited. Bad conflict will not necessarily become ugly conflict, but it rarely gets better on its own.
Good conflict embraces different perspectives; a respectful clash of ideas invites collaboration and sparks creativity and innovation. Shutting down good conflict out of fear that it will become bad conflict prevents all those good outcomes.
How do families create and nurture a culture that cultivates good conflict?
As a vital first step, families and advisors can recognize and accept that conflict is normal. We won’t all agree on all topics at all times. Many families face conflict, sometimes quite damaging. Some deal with it well and others do not. Since families are generally reluctant to discuss their own experiences openly, a family can feel that they are the only ones who struggle since they don’t hear about this widespread challenge.
A family may mistakenly feel that they must be a bad or failing family in some way. They may find some misplaced comfort in designating one individual as the problem, someone who needs to be fixed, restrained, or removed. After that is done, all will be well, they think.
Instead of burying simmering conflict or looking for a scapegoat, families can adopt a positive mindset about disagreement and implement practices to handle it effectively.
For example, frequent communication helps to build and sustain relationships. Communication need not be complicated nor profound. As families grow and disperse geographically, they will benefit from a focus on carefully tending to their connection with each other.
In some families, an unspoken taboo – real or imagined—prevents family members from speaking up. Will voicing disagreement with elders by younger family members, in particular, be considered disrespectful?
Family leaders may, in fact, be reluctant to allow everyone to have a voice. Yet a voice is not a veto, and it may not even be a vote. A voice can be an effective way to engage younger family members and others who may have leadership roles in the future.
Listening with respect does not require agreement. It does allow the exchange of views, which can have tangible benefits. New perspectives may expose flaws or highlight additional options. Those whose ideas are considered, and then rejected, will find it easier to accept the plan that is adopted.
Of course, a speaker of any age or family situation should be polite. Voicing disagreement carelessly or rudely invites bad conflict.
As families create governance structures, they are putting in place frameworks for sound decision making. A written policy of procedures to deal with conflict well can be a powerful statement of the family’s values. Deciding in advance to work together to address concerns will lay the groundwork for keeping inevitable disagreements from getting out of hand and disruption in making and implementing decisions.
Warning signs that good conflict is trending to bad should not be ignored. Bad conflict should be addressed without delay. As with the cultivation of good conflict, dealing well with bad conflict requires thoughtful and respectful behavior by all involved.
A fundamental foundation for addressing bad conflict, whether simmering or exploding, is a commitment to work together on the challenge. A proclamation by one person that they have the solution and will impose it may accelerate the decline into ugly conflict.
Families may be able to improve a difficult situation with internal efforts, especially if bad conflict is just beginning.
Outside professional assistance can help families to address conflict effectively. Conflict specialists work with families to preserve valued relationships while also assisting them in resolving disputes and improving their ability to deal with conflict on their own.
Even ugly conflict can have kernels of hope. Estrangements can end, sometimes with a person returning to the fold and sometimes with a more positive agreement to separate.
Conflict will always be with us. We can make the choice to embrace good conflict, deal with bad conflict, and prevent ugly conflict.
